Guide to Glastonbury Festival

Mary Malyon writes...

"This is a guide to the ultimate weekend in the English countryside: Glastonbury Festival which, by the way, is also the musical event of the year. Where Reading rocks and Homelands grooves, Glastonbury does it all satisfying every mood and taste from the White Stripes to New Order via Jools Holland - not to mention Roots Manuva for all you hip-hop aficionados. And if this is all a bit ‘mainstream’ then check out Nizlopi, Flipron and Los Guys. There are 13 musical venues to choose from including the famous Pyramid stage, a new platform dedicated to the late great John Peel, and the solar-powered Croissant Neuf stage.

The history bit

A ticket to the first Glasto cost £1, including free milk from the farm. Organised by Michael Eavis, it was held on 19th September 1970 - the day after Jimmi Hendrix died.

Glastonbury town is the unofficial UK capital of hippydom and a renowned spiritual centre reputedly hosting the oldest Christian church in England.

How to get there

- Lift-Share: Ever eco-friendly, Glastonbury festival recommends lift-sharing, an excellent idea as long as you’re travelling with friends.
- Driving: If you’re driving make sure you’ve already brought a £5 parking ticket. From London take the M3, A303 then A37.
- Train: The nearest train station is Castle Cary; call National Rail Enquiries for more details: 08457 484950. For those in possession of a festival ticket, there is a free shuttle service from Castle Cary to the festival site which runs at the following times:

Wednesday, Thursday and Friday, 9.30am to 10pm
Saturday, 9.30am to 4pm
Sunday, 9.30am to 4pm
Monday, 3am to 5pm

Where to camp?

Your ticket covers camping and it’s best to chose a field near an area which interests you.

What to take?

First and foremost remember your photo ID - they’re not going to let you in without it. Take as little as possible and nothing valuable - if you do need to there are safe boxes at the festival.

Try and remember your tent, it’s pretty important, and a sleeping bag would be nice too. Other essentials include toiletries, towel and sun-cream (no rude comments about the British weather please!). You might want your cash-card because the stalls have funky stuff on sale - think knitted jumpers, baggy trousers and all things student. There’s a Natwest bank and ATMs on site. If you’re seriously cash-strapped bring some food as festival catering is pricey.

Staying safe

Although Glastonbury isn’t inner-city London, remember it’s not really the countryside either - with 150,000 people crammed into a field, city-rules still apply. Look after your stuff and use this checklist:

- Lock and totally empty your vehicles.
- Camp near friends - ‘safety in groups’.
- Mark your property and use the security lockups for valuables.
- Be inventive about where you hide your valuables when sleeping.
- If you do have something stolen, or if you lose something, ‘lost property’ is at the Waggonshed by the Farmhouse and the police compound is at the top of the Big Ground camping field, near the Bank and the Farmhouse.

The highs and the lows

Listening to Morcheeba whilst getting decidedly squiffy on Somerset scrumpy with the sun setting behind us was my Glasto 2000 moment. Dancing in the glade (a dance floor actually in a forest glade) was pretty special as well, although beware of strange delusions that you’ve flown back centuries into the time of our tribal ancestors. Sounds surreal? Go there and you’ll see what I mean...

And the lows? Going to sleep in the midday sun, burning my tummy and getting heat-stroke which forced me to visit one of the infamous portaloos for the first time... this was on Friday so they weren’t that bad; by Sunday on the other hand...

Don’t miss...

- The Kidz Field: The field’s big top is the stuff of dreams for all us big kids. See Bodger and Badger perform live... in the flesh... accompanied by puppeteers and stand-up comics being hackled by five-year-olds. Hysterical.
- Lost Vagueness: A relatively new addition to the weekend’s events but already creating a huge buzz, this festival within a festival is found at the Green Fields. It’s an antidote to the mud-sodden images for which Glasto is famous - think glamour, pole dancing, twisted vicars and gourmet meals. If you want access to the casino don’t forget to pack your evening dress!
- The Tipi Field: Welcome to the largest annual gathering of tipis in Europe over-shadowed by a giant totem pole. Easily the friendliest field, most tipi-inhabitants are families with children running wild and parents cooking in traditional fire pits. Anyone can hire a tipi so for all you wannabe Red Indians it’s time to dig those head-dresses out of the attic...
- The Stone Circle: The festival’s answer to Stonehenge, best visited on a misty dawn - just lie back and listen to the drumming and chanting.

If all these activities sound like the exhausting equivalent of Butlins for the green generation, never fear - you can stay by your tent all weekend and people-watch to your heart’s content. Here’s a guide to some of the strange species you may encounter, so keep your binos to hand.

The Shady-Eyed Media Darrrling
(Darrrlingus Medium): With an exceptionally high birth-rate, this species has multiplied at an astounding rate over a few years and has evolved an uncanny ability to avoid all mud and maintain hair in a poker-straight non-fluffy condition.
- Habitat: Lost Vagueness wearing the latest Alice Temperley creation, midnight in the Dance Lounge Bar (still in shades) or skulking round a Heat photographer trying not to look too obvious.
- Alpha female: Kate Moss
- Alpha male: Robbie Williams

The Greater Striped Hippy
(Smokus Hippius): During the eighties this indigenous species was placed on the endangered list but now, after a rigorous reintroduction program, it is thriving. On a par with the Tanzanian migration, Glastonbury is a world-renowned destination for lank-haired hippy-watchers.
- Habitat: The species’ preference for its own tent is well-documented. On rare occasions, this creature congregates in large groups and migrates to the Enchanted Garden where it sleeps in the ten-man hammock.
- Alpha female: Jane Fonda
- Alpha male: Neil from The Young Ones

The Yummy Mummy
(Mummus Yummus): The tipi field’s dominant species, yummy mummy is normally found in large prides with her young dressed in stripy baby-grows with fair-trade chocolate splurged round their mouths. It is from this species that both shady media-darrrling and long-haired hippy evolved, which explains why yummy mummy exhibits the characteristics of both creatures: she may wear baggy, rainbow coloured knits and live on bean sprouts, but take a look at the label on those jeans -Tesco’s they are not - and those manicured brows look suspiciously furrow-free... botox anyone?
- Habitat: The Tipi and Kidz Fields, reading tarot cards whilst on their mobiles.
- Alpha female: Her Royal Highness Princess Marianne Faithful
- Alpha Male: This Amazonian species has little need for men, although craggy Keith Richard-a-like-short-term boyfriends may spend brief periods with the pride before heading out into the wilderness...

The Hooded Chav
(Scallius Chavus): Once greatly misunderstood by the scientific fraternity, this creature is now enjoying something of a renaissance thanks, in part, to the discovery of a new sub-species: the ‘chavistocrat’.
- Habitat: Well-known for its entrepreneurial spirit, in previous years scallius chavus had an unfortunate tendency to gather round the festival’s boundary fence and charge the penniless hippies exorbitant prices for the use of a ladder or tunnel. Nowadays it congregates in Lost Vagueness and the dance tents attracting hordes of shady-eyed media darrrlings with its devastating ‘bling bling’ mating call.
- Alpha female: Uber chavette Coleen Mcloughlin
- Alpha male: Wayne Rooney



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