Welcome to the Penis Emporium
If you’ve ever attended a football match, travelled on the subway, or wound up at a poorly organised swinger’s night, then you’ll know the feeling of being trapped in a confined space with a disconcerting abundance of male genitalia. But if they weren’t amputated and languishing in jars of formaldehyde like sexually-disenfranchised offal then you probably haven’t been to the Iceland Penis Museum.
This upstanding institution in Reykjavik contains, at time of writing, 282 penises.
“To my knowledge this is the only place in the world that houses all the penises of all the mammals found in a single country,” says Hjortur Gisli Sigurdsson, curator & director of the museum. “It’s a unique collection.” A visit will leave you positively engorged with pulsing knowledge.
1. Phallology is a real science, apparently
As documented for centuries by art, sports cars, and the Burj Khalifa, men are obsessed with our dangling hitchhikers. “Phallology is a relatively new science,” says Sigurdsson. “In fact it was my father, the founder of the museum, who coined the phrase when he started the collection back in 1974.” So it’s in no way at all made up. It’s also unclear what it’s contributed to the world, other than a pervasive awareness that phalluses are weird and icky.
2. You can see a real Moby Dick
Whale junk juts from the walls of the museum like fleshy fortifications, or stands tall and proud in the middle of the exhibition like Cyclops soldiers. Aptly many of these specimens originate from sperm whales, the largest looming some 6 feet tall. You can also view the tip of a blue whale penis, measuring in at 67 inches long; the complete appendage would be 16ft long and weigh a hefty 400kg.
3. Humans are not so well-hung
Bad news, fellas, we don’t rank too highly on the global scale of trouser tentage (official unit of measurement). The museum displays a handy comparison chart, ably demonstrating that man is bested by dogs, horses, and porpoises. The lone human specimen on display during my visit so resembled a melancholy cat foetus that I walked away quite resenting my own gender.
4. You can legally donate your penis
I don’t know quite how this works. I declined to enquire further for fear of finding myself pinned to the front counter while a rusty cleaver was sharpened. However the museum boasts that it has received “three legally-certified gift tokens for future specimens belonging to Homo Sapiens” (as per the leaflet handed to me while I jealously guarded my crotch). It’s a way “to be immortalised,” insists Sigurdsson. “A part of them is going to be around for a long time after their death for future generations to admire.” Anyone who donates a penis becomes an Honorary *ahem* Member of the museum (seriously).
5. Not all athletes are created equal
Another display immortalises the titanic achievement of Iceland’s 2008 Olympic silver medal winning handball team by casting their triumphant dongs in silver. Their hands and balls remain unaccounted for. It’s a gobsmacking tribute, though some reach a little higher on the podium than others.
6. You can make lampshades from animal scrotums
The decor of the museum might not be to your personal taste, but you have to admire its dedication to its theme. Dotted around the place are penis-shaped telephones, hip flasks, kitchen utensils and, most impressively, lampshades fashioned from anonymous animal scrotums. They bathe the bizarre and wonderful Iceland Penis Museum in a romantic, milky glow.
“My hopes are that the museum will continue to grow in every sense of the word,” concludes Sigurdsson. Cheeky scamp.
Go to Iceland and look at nobs
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