Being in a committed, loving relationship is wonderful. You have somebody to cuddle through the cold winter nights, an excuse to gain an otherwise preposterous amount of weight, and a placebo against the crushing fear of dying alone.  

Unfortunately being in a relationship also makes it near-impossible to plan any kind of travel without wanting to kill each other.

I’ve already documented the arguments I had with my girlfriend while travelling together. Now we’re planning another trip, and it’s not going well.


The Kazakh Bazooka

Borat, Kazakhstan

‘I’ve always wanted to go to Kazakhstan.’

‘What the hell is in Kazakhstan?’

‘I don’t know, really. Some nice fields. Borat.’

‘It sounds like it might be dangerous.’

‘I know somebody who bribed the Kazakh army to let him blow up a cow with a bazooka.’

‘Is that why you want to go?’

‘...No.’

‘Let’s keep looking.’


The Childishness

Sulking child

‘We could go to a really nice beach resort.’

‘I’m busy that day.’

‘Somewhere that does massages in your room!’

‘I’m allergic to massage oil probably.’

‘I just want to lie by a pool and sip cocktails.’

‘...’

‘You can’t just pretend not to hear me when it’s something you don’t want to do.’

‘What was that sound? The wind?’


The Haunted Forest

Haunted Forest, Romania

‘I’ve heard Romania is nice.’

‘What’s the capital of Romania?’

‘I don’t know, Transylvania or something. There’s a haunted forest.’

‘You want to go on holiday to a haunted forest.’

‘They say the trees make you feel an overwhelming sense of dread, like everything is terrible and you’re going to die.’

‘That’s how you feel every single day.’

‘Yeah, but this way I can feel it on holiday.’


The Cat Backpacks

Fat cat looking out of window

‘Who’ll look after the cats while we’re gone?’

‘They can come with us! We’ll buy little cat backpacks.’

‘Backpacks to put the cats in, or backpacks for the cats to wear?’

‘I meant the first thing, but I like your idea better.’

‘That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. Let me see if Amazon sells them.’


The Proposal

Wedding ring

‘If we went to Paris, you could propose.’

‘I don’t think I’m ready to propose.’

‘Okay, but if you were ready you could hire a horse-drawn carriage full of flowers.’

‘But you get hay fever.’

‘Then as it pulls up under the Eiffel Tower there are fairy lights and people taking photos...’

‘Do you need me for any of this?’

‘You get down on one knee...’

‘There might be horse shit.’

‘And then everybody would applaud as the Eiffel Tower lights up with our names.’

‘Right. So that’s Paris off the list.’


The Separate Holidays

Woman drinking cocktail on beach

‘We could just take separate holidays.’

‘That’s what people do before they break up.’

‘I’m just being practical. You want to relax, I want to go hiking and stuff.’

‘There are plenty of guys who’d love to go on holiday with me.’

‘If you go on holiday with another man I will dump you.’

‘Not if I dump you first.’

‘(Quietly) At least if you dumped me I could travel wherever I want.’

‘What was that?’

‘I said I love you.’