Kinder Christmas monkey tased by police

19th Dec 2014
Written by: Will Jones

Kinder surprise! Monkey goes ape shit after stealing children’s candy

It’s nearly Christmas, and we all know ’tis the season to get hopped up on sugar and claw out the eyes of your loved ones. One French monkey wanted to get into the spirit, so he strolled right into town and, wanting to be like the other men, he started monkeying around.

Unfortunately this entailed viciously attacking some school children, and instead of treating the monkey like a jungle VIP the police forwent the traditional punishment of a spanking and instead tased the creature into submission.

The incident unfolded in Marseille, and authorities believe the simian swung into the city from Algeria, Gibraltar, or Morocco, offering a dire indictment of French border checks. The monkey, perhaps unable to find his uncle, took to the streets, and after bananas had lost their appeal it gorged on Kinder chocolate bars. Word on the ape vine is that its craving for the sickly treat got out of hand, driving the monkey nuts.

After raiding an elementary school for sweet treats, the monkey bit a police officer on the hand, which prompted them to make the totally reasonable response of pumping it full of electricity until it could no longer move. An independent enquiry has been launched to investigate this monkey business.

The monkey is now undergoing Kinder rehab with local vets after police decided to close the jungle book on the matter.

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