Bizarre Local News of Milton Keynes
Each morning I shuffle on to the 6.59am train to London. Alongside me are business people in suits and sleepy teens who look like they’ve never seen the world before 9am. But, as each commuter gets on that train we all leave behind the overlooked town of Milton Keynes.
Standing as one of England’s youngest towns, the 47 year old MK has gained a reputation as being too modern, lacking in character, and having so many roundabouts you need to take a travel sickness pill before visiting the local shop. It’s also the only place where you can find local news stories like this.
The charming ‘Dead Wasp Art’ by a local mother of two
The town of Milton Keynes has been carefully designed to keep wildlife in its designated areas, but sometimes not even the insects can keep to our carefully planned grid system.
After discovering a mound of unsightly lifeless wasps in her home, Rola Mack decided to conquer her fear by placing the dead wasps on funny doodles to make them seem harmless. The names of these masterpieces were ‘The Wasp Circus’, ‘Wasp horror Scene’, and the insect ‘Tour de France’.
Winter 'Wonderland' got closed after just one day
The reason why Christmas was literally cancelled? Because it was so bad.
After paying £42 for tickets, parents were outraged to find that the ‘Winter Wonderland’ was nothing more than a grubby white tent, with men in Poundland Santa outfits, a merry go round on lumpy grass, and an ice rink made of plastic.
Student slaps woman’s face with his flaccid penis
After a night of drunken antics, this MK citizen decided to strip to his boxers and ‘attack’ the woman whilst she slept. Of course, no prank would be complete without recording evidence on a mobile phone.
It gets even better, or worse depending on which way you look at it: he was studying for a career in law and jailed for the assault.
Naughty nurse sacked after asking to spank patient
A nurse at Milton Keynes hospital was fired after sending inappropriate texts to one of his lady patients. After injuring her finger, the woman was discharged before the mystery worker could get to know her. So what better way to get her attention than going through hospitals records to find her number and send this text:
Hello gorgeous, hows u? When do I get to put u over my knee and spank that sexy bum of yours? Lol xx
A sexually assaulted dog outside a church
This one got the blood of MK animal lovers boiling. A homeless man was caught on CCTV making suspicious ‘thrusting actions’ in the sleeping bag he shared with his dog outside a church. It may be legal in Denmark for a while longer, but it certainly isn’t in Milton Keynes. Fortunately the dog has now been rehomed and appears to be okay.
Getting punched just for going to the supermarket
If there’s one thing Milton Keynes can’t get enough of, it’s a supermarket. In fact, our smallish town of 256,000 people is home to 29 supermarkets (with a 30th on its way).
It’s just unfortunate that this man chose to go to the shop where he was punched for no other reason than parking his car.
A step-by-step guide to surviving a zombie apocalypse
Open University funds at Milton Keynes aren’t wasted on stupid books or teaching technology. Why on earth would they do that when they could create a programme that models a zombie apocalypse, just to let us know what our best chance of survival is.
If you’re interested, here are a few methods they uncovered:
1. Avoid other people – groups will attract zombies and once one person is infected, the rest will follow.
2. Find a safe spot and wait it out until scavenging wildlife and decomposing organisms destroy the zombies.
3. Hope that the zombies are weak or not very infectious so that you can avoid them or fend them off.