heart or head.. love or travel?

my heart and head are driving me mad! for months now ive been thinking do i stay for him ? i love him.. hes been in my life for 4 years we’ve been apart and together again and then apart again.. or do i finally do it what ive been planning for like 2 years travel and see the places i want and result in loosing him for good because i know its the outcome if im realistic.. help!

At the start of 2011 i had booked and paid for a trip around Australia like i had wanted to do for so long, no one could believe i was going to do it but i couldnt get away from it every time i put on the tv or went to the cinema there was something like an advert about Australia! it was in my face so i took that as a sign i should go for it and my relationship was on the rocks anyways because of all this and i was getting so stressed not knowing what to do .. turns out we broke up and on a spur of the moment i booked everything and i was so excited for a few months making friends online making plans and reading up on everything and buying my rucksack! i thought to myself this is it OMG! 

im doing it finally, then i started to miss him i still loved him i always had even when we had broke up for silly reasons before, We had been apart for nearly 5 months at this point and he had changed alot in that time as i started to notice when we start seeing each other again which im thinking wasnt the best idea as the heart strings started to tug!! What do i do now! After 4 months he just kept saying ” see how things go im not rushing into a relationship” and by now i was willing to cancel my trip to make things work properly i felt like i had rushed into everything and booking it.. but now he didnt want me a couple of months went on like this and arguements kept coming up i couldnt stand just being on the side lines not knowing if a relationship would ever form again , i felt like a secret from everyone he knew i just felt stupid..

In july i went on holiday to malta with my parents and brother it was a nice break and being at the airport and seeing other students with backpacks strapped to them made it all the more realistic that it will be me doing that and being there in 2 months time on my own to get the plane for the next 25 odd hours – i have to mention im a very VERY nervous flyer to it made sense to pick a desination so far away to travel to alone!! haha but it freaked me out being there and i remember saying to my mum , i dont know if i can do it..

When i got back from malta it was nice, he come round and hugged me loads and missed me and it was like old times i thought maybe it will work i just had to give him a bit of time  i had hurt him after all.. i decided while i was away i was going to cancel my trip and wait another year or two make sure i had the right amount of money behind me and got the nerves together so when i got back i done that exactly i cancelled everything and lost alot of money i felt a little less stressed with money and trying to live on nothing due to having to save every penny i earned.

He then went on holiday and a few weeks before it had gone back to being crap, it wasnt a relationship at all and i was starting to think to myself what have i done! i wanted to travel so much and now i had nothing, no trip planned , hardly any money and some sort of shit relationship well not even that saw him once a week if i was lucky and just hung out for a bit it was so hard so i decided i would leave him to it and he went on holiday for 2 weeks and in them 2 weeks i decided i will travel ill come up with a new plan for saving try change my hours and everything like that i still had my visa which is valid until july 2012 so one less thing i need to pay for, handy..

So he comes back and once again he missed me and was all over me and for the last week its been great like we are back together again and he admitted he had been out of order ignoring me and everything and he loved me and it upset him to think i was leaving to travel… but he never said he wanted to be back together…its 13th septemeber today and i should of been flying on the 30th and im starting to feel so down im not going, I NEED SOME MAJOR ADVICE!! PLEASE Do i keep saving and planning my trip for in the new year and go and break his heart again aswell as mine and do what ive wanted to for so long now.. or do i give up for now and work things out and see what happens ?

i just have a bad feeling in a month or so it will just be crap again and he wont want to commit to anything and i would of wasted all that time not saving and be back at stage one with nothing! and missed out on the trip of a life time .. ahhh its so annoying all this .. has anyone else ever had to leave a loved one to travel and do what they want or have any advice on this crappy situation  sorry to ramble on about my boring lovelife 🙂

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