The funniest nite out ever!
This has to be one of the funniest nite out stories I have ever heard….its just a shame I wasn’t there to see it!
Six new lads have moved into the beach house, that I vacated just over a week ago, and joined my mate (and source of story) Tim. Last thursday was their first thursday nite together, and so to celebrate they decided to go out into New Haven. They all began drinking before they went out, but one lad in particular (who shall remain nameless throughout this diary…we’ll just call him tw*t for comedy value) well he was really going for it!
Tw*t was downing drink after drink, he even took a couple in the car with him on the way to New Haven! By time they all reached the club he was already well on his way (which might have had something to do with the fact that he hadn’t had any food all day- school boy error!). Once in the club, tw*t surveyed the area and concluded that there were no females to chat up as of yet, so he went and sat upstairs so he could relax with his drink and still see the whole of the club. However, he wasn’t up there long! Females started filling up the club and tw*t wanted a bit of action! So he went to the bar and ordered a vodka…a bit of dutch courage! Unfortunately for tw*t, tw*t didn’t realise that the measures were not in milliletres, like in england, they were in fluid ounces…and a hell of a lot bigger. After downing the vodka, tw*t saw Tim talking to a couple of beautys (from here tw*t swears he cannot remember anything about the night, which is probobaly just aswell…cos this is where it gets good!) he stumbled over, walked straight into Tim and spilt Tims drink all over the girls! Needless to say they quickly moved.
He continued to drink vodka neat, he also continued to attempt to pull…he talked to birds, he bought them drinks, he even bought a whole group of girls drinks! And still no success. After his 5th straight vodka, tw*t was begining to look, sound and act worse for wear! Gone were the times when twat would stumble over to girls, bang into one and slurrrrrr a few words before moving on. Now he simply walked up to a group of girls and did the ‘Neil Walker stare’ (for everyone who doesn’t know who Neil Walker is, he is a legend! And one of the most naturally funny people I have ever met without knowing it. I can’t describe why he is so funny, only ppl who know him or have met him know why, just to look at Neil makes me burst into laughter (i dont mean that in a bad way mate, you just do though!)).
Anyway the ‘neil walker stare’, consists of you walking up to a female (age and beauty do not matter according to neil (after a pint)) and staring at them for five minutes, if they ignore you, walk away or slap you and tell you to ‘stop drooling you pervy b*stard’, you move on…however if they run over to you and begin to hump you on the dance floor you have success!
Unfortunately for tw*t it didn’t work, and after circling the dance floor 3 times he went to the toilet. Tw*t had been gone for five minutes when Tim began to think the worst. He went in to the toilet and, to no suprise, tw*t was puking up in the toilet! Tim asked him if he was ok, he replied “Of course, I am simply ridding my stomach of the evils that I have consumed over the past hour or so” which came out as “wada fukasit goda do wi u? am faaane, now fugof” So he did…yet Tim’s sense of concern for his fellow coach did not desert him, and he waited paitiently outside the toilet for him, while he chatted to a concerned female of course.
While Tim discussed the finer points of projectile vomitting with this buxom young brunnette (or so he tells me), he had totally forgot to check on tw*t! He was worried to say the least when tw*t was no longer in the toilet! After a quick scan of the club, it was easy to conclude that tw*t was no longer in the club, and was probobaly wondering the streets of new haven as they spoke, and most probobaly dead. (remember how bad New Haven is, its the city where i nearly got killed twice in one night, it also happens to be one of the worst citys in the country)
So they split up and began looking for the deceased! None of them had any luck! They were asking police, bouncers and anyone who they could if they had seen this guy…it was fair to say that if they had seen him, they would have remembered the extremely drunk funny looking guy stumbling down the street! Then Tim had a brainwave! He decided to give tw*t more credit than he deserved…and this was his way of thinking:How many of us have gotten in a state where we cant speak, barely walk and sure as hell cant remember a thing about it in the morn?
I’d say about 99% of us! Well how many times, even though we have no idea of what we’re doing, do we manage to end up safe and sound in our bed? I’d say 90% of the time (the other 10%, we usually end up in some1 elses bed) This is because we go into homing mode, we instinctively home in to our base, our HQ, no matter what state we’re in (unless of course you are arrested, become unconcious or are dead…all likely possibilities for tw*t at that time actually) So tim figured tw*t may well have homed in on base in New Haven…the car!
He ran to the multi storey, where he was parked, up six flights of stairs to find tw*t commotosed in the car! Just a few problems with this scenario…
Problem No1: he wasnt in Tims car! Yup he’d nearly got it right, unfortunately he’d got the car wrong and had broke into some one elses car!
Problem number 2: the owners of the car had got there just before Tim, and had surrounded the car, and it looked like it was guna turn nasty!
No problem though, Tim would just walk over to the car….calmly explain how much of a tit tw*t is and hopefully escort him away from the car! So he sheepishly walked over and in a mousy voice said excuse me, he began to explain how he was sorry that his ‘friend’ had broke into the car etc, when the guy interupted him…
“He didn’t break into the car, the car was open! Thats not the problem” he said
“So whats the fuss about then?” Tim enquired
“Because he’s p*ssed all over the interior! Thats Why!” replied the angry man!
I have no idea how Tim managed to get tw*t out of this predicament, he isn’t sure himself, all he knows is that, and I quote,
“the adrenalin rush caused by the thought that tw*t was about to be shot, coupled with Tim’s intake of alcohol (resulting in a large increase in his ability to bullsh*t) combined with the fact that Tim is as cool under pressure and just as smart as James Bond with the looks to match, allowed me to talk my way out of the situation at hand! It was fortunate for tw*t that he did, and they all went home safe and alive and tw*t felt extremely hungover in the morning!