Thonged bikini’s, neon lights, excuciating pain and overdose
How do Ladies and Gents,
Before you start to get a little worried about the nature of this entry, I assure you it will be no different to any of the previous entrythat I have bestowed upon you. It will not contain explicit details of my dental hygene, it will not contain blastphamy, it may contain a little nudity, it will hopefully contain some profanity, and it will most definately be the last entry I submit for a while (for reasons I shall explain later in the diary).
First of all I’d like to start off with a quick news bulletin….
The good news is that it has been revealed today that Saddam Hussein is to face the death penalty…the bad news is that Beckham is taking it!!! Ba Boom!!!!
I’ve split this entry into two ‘easy to read’ entrys as, to be honest, this entry is a bit of an epic (for a change).
So what the hell is the entry about? Well firstly, its about the weekend I spent on the South Jersey shore, in a place, very aptly, named Wild Wood (no dirty puns please). Secondly its about 4th July Weekend, that great American past-time where they celebrate killing the english…and I just happened to be spending it with Mr America himself, Jim ‘The irish man who hates anything english including the people’ Freebairn (i mentioned him before when I went up to the lake house).
Immediatly after my english family had left for the airport, I set off with my american family on a thrilling six hour car ride with two very annoying teenage boys who happened to be brothers, and thought it would be entertaining if they annoyed me for the entire journey. Six very long hours later, we arrived in Wildwood, South Jersey.
How can I describe Wildwood? Wildwood is a small seaside community, on a small island just off the south jersey shore. Its golden beaches stretch for seven miles in both directions, and are populated by scantily clad woman who walk around in little more than a few pieces of string that cover their modesty (and the kids wonder why Daddy likes to go to Wildwood every year). The clear turquoise water of the sea gently crashes, wave upon wave. The boardwalk behind the beach, comes alive at night! Two miles of neon lights, light up the night sky. The boardwalk is filled with rollercoasters, rides for both kids and adults, games of all kinds, stalls, entertainment and a strangely large number of people walking around with hundreds of tatoos on their arm. As I began to look around I began seeing more strange people, some with mullets, some with very little clothing on, some very fat people, some very fat people with little clothing on, some people who sound like they’ve just come straight from a Forrest Gump audition! Could it be, could my picture of perfection have turned sour?
Well…yes, was the blunt answer I recieved from Jeff. Wildwood is trailer park trash city. Every lowlife, deadbeat and bum who doesn’t already live here, comes here for their vacation….and why? Because for some unknown reason, hundreds of good looking young woman still flock to the beaches in their thonged bikini’s, and when the bikini babes go home at night the boardwalk erupts into a trashy haven of tacky neon lights, rip off games, tatoo parlours and gambling venues.
Woohoo! This weekend was guna be better than I had thought!
After having a quick walk up the boardwalk, followed by an even quicker ride down the boardwalk courtesy of the boardwalks very own tram service, famous for its warning to pedestrians of
“Mind the tram car please” which it likes to repeat every 5 seconds in a voice that sounds like someone is pinching their nose and proceeding to talk, Very annoying, we went to sleep.
The rest of my weekend involved sunning myself in the first bit of prolonged decent weather we’d had in a while, occasionally dipping myself in the sea to cool off, driving one of the many go karts the boardwalk had to offer, trying to win a million tickets in an arcade so I could exchange them for a handgun, testing some of the very unsafe looking wooden ricketty rollercoasters and slyly perving on the woman walking past me on the beach by putting sunglasses on and pretending to read a book….only joking bout that last one….or am i???? hmmmmmm…..
After a very relaxing couple of days, we headed back home on a not so relaxing 7 hour car ride with the two teenage tear aways. I was more than relieved when we arrived home, relieved, that is, that I hadn’t actually commited an act that could be deemed as actual bodily harm.
The rest of the week I spent doing absolutely nothing. Why, cos I wont be working for a further two weeks. So what did I do to ease the boredom? I did a few chores like mowing the lawn, I watched a few movies that I hadn’t seen in a while like Ace Ventura, I read the sun online every day to get my daily fill of crap puns, celebrity gossip and political occurances, I sunbathed a little, I began working out again and I became addicted to online games.
My favourite can be found at
How very sad for a person who’s travelled 5000 miles to see the world! I’ve ended up playing games on the internet all day, I could have just stayed at DLA for that!