A conversation with myself

So… exhausted… so… confused… *huge yawn, head hits the keyboard*

OK, this is getting ridiculous. I can’t go on like this. I no longer have motivation for or interest in anything, my head feels like a washing machine and I just want to sleep all the time. All my friends are excitedly talking about their uni or college plans while I gaze sadly into space or smile and pretend to share their enthusiasm, and my teachers are interrogating me non-stop about what I want to do with my life, seemingly unaware of my monotonous, half-hearted responses. Why do I feel like this? I was desperate to get to uni throughout my fourth and fifth year, so why have I suddenly hit a brick wall? 🙁

I know I don’t need to have any definite plans for a career at this stage – I know I’m only 17 and have my whole life ahead of me, loads of people my age don’t have a clue about what they want to do either, blah, blah, blah. No one seems to understand… I want to have an ultimate goal, a reason for spending another 4+ years studying other than going out and getting drunk with a bunch of student mates every night. 🙄 I want to have genuine enthusiasm for my course and the motivation to get myself through it.

*dramatic realisation* Omg, I can’t go to uni this year! I just can’t! I used up all my motivation studying for my Standard Grades and Highers and I’m struggling to keep myself going through Advanced Higher as it is. 🙁

But what will everyone say? I got really good exam results last year and everyone’s expecting me to go off and become a doctor, lawyer, actuary… One of my worst fears is attracting unnecessary attention to myself, and I don’t want to disappoint anyone. 😳

Wait a minute… what are you banging on about? You’re about to leave school, and this is the time to make plans about what YOU want to do. You won’t be disappointing anyone by taking a break from education. Why would other people talk about you if you don’t go to uni this year? You’re not a person in the public eye; you’re only a tiny little person on a planet with 6 billion people. Why should you care what anyone thinks about you, anyway?

I know, I’m being stupid. You know what, I’m sick of floundering about and having next to no confidence or self-esteem. Stuff uni for now… I’m going to do something amazing this year. There are loads of things I want to do and places I’d like to see in my life, so why should I wait until I’m older? Now is the best chance I’ll ever have to go out there and chase my dreams. It doesn’t matter what kind of person I am or what anyone thinks of me – I can do this!! 😀

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