My Best Kept Secret

Purely out of shame, my best kept secret and skill is repelling celebrities. When I was in Australia and living in Melbourne I had the most amazing moment of my lift when I went to the F1. It was amazing.. but here is how I developed my oh so amazing celebrity repelling skills….

Figured I would break down my days for you rather than have it all jumbled and uncoordinated..

My pit walk day! The day started at 7.20am when I was woken by a loud two seater swisse F1 car firing up. You know how people figuratively say “I live across the road from such and such a place”? Well I actually do and its not figuratively. I walk out my door, cross the road and I am there at Albert Park race track. Amazing and convenient sums up my location.
It was PISSING it down with rain for chunks of 10 minutes, then was super cold so the jackets were on. Then, in true Melbourne style, the sun came out with such blistering force people were de-jacketing and suncreaming up. Then literally 10 minutes later, rain again. So all of those people who were suncreaming were now sliding their jackets back up slimy bodies, the rain making a white paste, people making that “nawwwoo” noise whilst pulling a frown face and desperately searching for a hand wiping material, and children accidentally slapping their foreheads like that paste pants episode of Friends. Relatively amusing!

The free breakfast they gave us was terrifically disappointing – it was a slice of Coles brand (Tesco’s own for Englanders) white bread with the weirdest thin sausage, a dry muffin I did not consume and a bottle of water. Thanks… And my free gift for being a Silver member was a coffee cup. Yay…. But still, shouldn’t complain about free food given parts of Africa are starving.

The pit walk was brilliant and very crowded which came as a surprise – I wasn’t expecting so many GP advantage members. I got to watch Mclaren do a practise pit and then.. the most amazing thing.. Jenson’s car touched me. On the shin. Let me just reiterate – JENSON BUTTON’S CAR, AS IN THE WORLD CHAMPION JENSON BUTTON, GOD OF ALL THINGS BEAUTIFUL AND WONDERFUL, JENSON BUTTON.. HIS CAR… TOUCHED MY FUCKING SHIN. Honestly I didn’t think anything could top it. But then… (dramatic entrance to the next paragraph)

.. I met Jenson Button. JENSON BUTTON, AS IN THE WORLD CHAMPION JENSON BUTTON, GOD OF ALL THINGS BEAUTIFUL AND WONDERFUL, JENSON BUTTON. I met him. And it was awful (change in tempo to dramatic music to one of bewilderment..)..

I was SO excited and SO nervous that it all happened very suddenly. I was the very last person on stage with him in front of thousands who had come to meet him and here I was, little 5 foot 1 me on stage with not just Jenson, but Lewis Hamilton. Two world champions and me.. slightly over weight with damp wind swept hair smiling like a mental patient me, and beautiful lean gorgeous them. Swoon.

I was up there with a guy I had met in the queue to get autographs called Adam and he handled the whole situation like a pro. He said hello to Jenson, told him to have a good race, asked him politely to have a photo with him taken and then moved on.

I on the other hand, walked up to Jenson and practically threw my top at his face. My hands were shaking so badly they released the top well before my brain could engage and it landed in a heap in front of him, inches away from landing on his head. Jenson politely signed it and smiled which was very nice of him. Then, unlike Adam, I just leaned across the table to have my photo taken with him. I didn’t ask. Jenson was obviously taken by surprise because to the side of me (I am no longer looking at Jenson but cheese grinning at the camera) I hear Jenson go “ooh” and then slide his chair back to get into shot. Then it gets worse….

I picked up my signed top, still not looked Jenson in the eye, hold up the shirt to check he had indeed signed it and then upon lowering it… oh god the shame.. I look Adam straight in the eye instead of Jenson and say “thank you, you’re a legend”. Oh god. By the time it had clicked, Jenson was being rushed off the stage. Such a dick. I am such a massive dick.

…. and THEN… I met Lewis. Lewis was very polite and had amazing polished skin! It looked so smooth. Anyway he signed my top for me, I smiled, he smiled. He looked at my camera and then at me. He went to move to get into shot and what did I do??? Fucking well put my camera down, grabbed my shirt and in a really low voice as I was already starting to skulk off the stage.. “cheers”.

Kill me. Kill me now.

First an second free practises of the season and it was great to see. Except it rained and this time all day. I was beyond soaking wet. My underwear was drenched, there was water pouring off my nose like an overflowing house gutter, I was freezing my arse off. I did not enjoy Friday weather very much but seeing the guys out in their cars was bloody brilliant.

Qualifying!!! And day of sunburn. Today was a fantastic day!! I got to see Free Practise 3, Crusty Demons (Google it – mentally wicked) and Mclaren pull out a one-two on the grid. It was also boilingly hot and because of what had happened the day before, I didn’t bother to take sunscreen.

Kids.. this is a very bad idea. Now.. I am going to post the picture so you guy can take lesson from my mistakes. If you are going to go outside for a full 12 hours and NOT wear sun screen, for the love of all things holy TAKE YOUR SUNGLASSES OFF. It’s terrible what has happened to me. I look.. well there is no word I can think of that describes what I am actually look like so ridiculous will have to do. Andrew is the only one so far who has seen me in the flesh with my disfiguring scars. It’s so awful.

But it was a brilliant day all in all, I enjoyed every second of it and I had a pizza for tea.

Race day!! And also the day I got to go on the main straight. It was cool and I am glad I did it but I won’t do it again because pretty much all there is to do is sit on pole position pretending to drive and have your photo taken on the chequered line. I am also glad I did it as it was a lesson for next year – get there at 8am on the dot, be first in line and RUN down the main straight because where you come out is the International Media Centre and the Team and Crew building. This Sir’s should simply be named “very close to famous people get there quick” building.

I stood there for a bit, had a fantastic spot.. and after 20 minutes of no action and a large cappuccino later, I decided it was best to use a toilet to wee in instead of my shorts. So I dumbarsly left the area for a slash. Got back and I was pushed further down the now bulging queue of people all ready and waiting to get autographs.

When the first famous person turned up I was completely oblivious. I was stood next to this guy who got his camera out and pointed it in the air. I followed his line of site and said in my head “oh that’s a nice parrot”.. then immediately he lowed the camera and said “good morning David, good luck in the race today”. I opened my mouth in shock horror and said “mahhhhh”. David Coulthard looked at us both, smiled and nodded his head and said “good morning, good morning”.

DC – the legend that is said good morning to me.. and all I could muster to say to him was “mah”??!! WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?! Of course.. as is the trend with this blog.. and aparently my life.. it gets worse.

Several other famous people arrived. Christian Horner, Daniel Ricciardo, Pastor Maldonardo, Felippe Massa, Fernando Alonso.. and Heikki Kovalainen. F1 fans who know me well will know my love for Heikki. I think he is so beautiful and so cuddly. I lust for his cuddles like a cuddle demanding monster. I wish to stroke his face with a flat hand and loose fingers and kiss his eye lids and the tip of his teeeeny tiny nose. I love him.

Well. Heikki came over. He was signing things and being very smiley and from NO WHERE, a shouting goblin got inside me and yelled him name. The poor love was next to me so he’s probably experienced a bit of ear drum damage, but it certainly got his attention.. right at the point the brave goblin ran out of my arse and away back under its rock. I had nothing.. nothing to say to him, nothing to sign. What I did have was a camera pointing at the floor and no sunglasses on… Having read the above Saturday piece and looked at the below picture you will know how devastating this will have been for someone face to face with a fantasy love angel.

After I had deafened him he so sweetly came over to me. He stood in front of me and grinned (most likely at my face) and said in his gorgeous accent “would you like me to sign something?!” – he gave a little chortle as he said it.. and all I said was “picture?”. He looked confused, I gestured with the camera that I was clutching with both hands and AGAIN said “picture?”.

He obliged and stood there waiting for his picture to be taken.. after a while he looked side to side.. I still held the camera to the floor and I just full on stared at him… like a fucking mental patient once more. Then the BITCH beside me said “Heikki can I get a picture with you please?”. Clearly my ballsy goblin was now up her bloody arse and not mine and so Heikki moved on. I put my camera away in my bag and walked back to the grandstands in a mood. I had embarrassed myself enough for the day.

Well until the afternoon anyway, after Jenson won the race (the car had clearly been given magic powers after touching my leg, clearly). I stood amongst a sea of Australians and sang our national anthem with all my heart. Very proud moment 🙂

And then it was over… done. No fireworks, no marriage proposals from Jenson, David or Heikki (God knows why, I am clearly a catch). Just a walk home looking like a red raccoon feeling all empty at the front with no more wishing to go to the F1, but heavy at the back with all the things I had seen and done.

It was an amazing 4 days and I WILL do it all again. All over the world. See you soon Formula One, thank you for being amazing.

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