Bangkok Bender

This interlude brought me up to midnight, racing back to my hostel I tried not to get distracted by the insanity around me, a million sights, sounds and smells flew by as I eventually found my way back to my hostel, I arrived to find Venus sitting outside the front of the hostel with two other local girls and three other backpackers (two English and one American).
“Yay Lukey! You come! We go party!” she screamed wrapping her arms around me.
She took us all to a strip of clubs in a part of Bangkok even today I’m unfamiliar with and haven’t ever managed to find again, but all I really remember is myself and the three other backpackers being the only westerners in sight. The night ensued in typical Thai style ‘Sang Som’ (Thai whiskey) and ‘making party’!

Leaving at around 5am, Venus dragged me up to the luxury room in the hostel, a big difference to my dorm room (about a 10 pound a night difference), so I wasn’t complaining. After fucking me within an inch of my life until the sun came up, I lay there panting about to have a heart attack;
“Oh baby, you ok?”
“Nah…I’m, I’m fucked”
“Oh baby, you tired? You want Thai massage!?”
I don’t think my travels could’ve started any better.

Waking up the next morning was extremely rushed, after only a few hours sleep the hostel owner had arrived and it wasn’t appropriate for the receptionist to be found in bed with a random Farang, so I slipped back into my dormitory.
That day I visited Bangkok Zoo with a lovely Canadian girl named Beatrice, a tad on the straight and narrow side for my liking so I continued alone to the markets in China Town, this I where I encountered a young Thai guy by the name of ‘Jai’ and began a serious Bangkok Bender!
My main aim in the market was to buy a camera, having lost my brand new one ON THE FUCKING PLANE from London to Bangkok! Don’t ask me how I managed that.

I wandered around for a good forty five minutes and saw nothing but fabrics, clothing and shoes, so I figured I was in the wrong market to buy a camera. The next decision I made was both one of the best and worst decisions of my travels but still I have no regrets. After asking a few locals where to buy a camera and failing miserably I walked past a young Thai guy wearing a leather jacket with a scar on one cheek, after hesitating I turned and asked;
“Where can I buy camera?” at the same time miming a camera with my hands, of course thinking at this point Thai people couldn’t understand too much English, but he spoke pretty much perfect English.
He introduced himself as ‘Jai’ which wasn’t spelt the same as my brother’s name but pronounced the same…so how could I not trust this guy!?
Jai was in his mid twenties, though he looked like he’d lived more than forty years, he wore always his leather jacket with tattered jeans and drove a different motorbike each day I encountered him. The scar on his face made him look intimidating at a glance but his mannerisms and front on a social level were overly polite and welcoming, all in all he was the perfect con man.

Jai informed me that his friend had cheap cameras “Tuk Tuk Mak Mak” (Very very cheap), I knew what was going on, I’d heard of all the scams, but then he said;
“it’s ok, I’ll take you, you can come on motorbike”
The ‘Lonely Planet’ voice in my head was screaming “NO NO, SCAM SCAM”, but I had nothing better to do that day, so I jumped on which ended up being a 20 hour death-bike tour around Bangkok.

First of all the problem at hand was resolved, we rode through back streets around Bangkok until we arrived at a pirate looking fellows street stall which had various obviously stolen goods ready to be purchased, so I bought myself a digital camera for all of 200 Baht (about 4 quid), of course Jai would be getting some of this for playing his part in the trade. This is the kind of business that Bangkok thrives on, nowadays I have many good Thai friends who make a good living off of helping foreigners spend their money, my second day in Bangkok and fresh off the plane….I was that foreigner!

We continued to ride around, stopping in bars for whiskey shots whilst Jai caught up with what I deemed were friends of his or ‘business partners’, but at this point I hadn’t paid a penny for any drinks whatsoever and was already fairly battered.
After the sun goes down in Bangkok the place truly comes alive, even more so than the day. If you see the phrase ‘Sin City’ either as a positive or a negative, that’s what Bangkok is by night and you can’t help but love it!
Sitting on the back of the motorbike zooming through the streets of Bangkok, pissed as a fart, no motorbike helmet, I just couldn’t help but smile, even if I could’ve died at any moment. In South East Asia you tend to forget the risks and just go with the moment.

“You want see real Bangkok?” Jai shouted over the sound of beeping horns and the wind rushing by,
“You want see Ping Pong show?”
“Yeah of course, but I’m not paying too much money”.
Ping Pong shows in Bangkok are one gigantic scam, they reel in the tourists with abnormal sexual stage acts and a ’small entrance fee’, but once you’re in, you ain’t leaving before you’ve paid out your arse!
I’ve heard ridiculous stories from friends who have ended up paying around a hundred pound bar tab for about 6 drinks, where the average price for a beer in Thailand is about one or two pounds.
But Jai assured me this one was legitimate saying “No farang, no farang, only Thai person”, in my drunken state that was all the reassurance I needed.

We pulled up in a dark alleyway after driving through the armpit of Bangkok where there was a wooden door, a small man stood by the door welcoming punters, Jai spoke to him and explained to me, “300 Baht, get in and free drink”, fuck it I thought, so I gave the midget my money and watched him give one hundred of it to Jai…Bangkok business at it’s very best.
“You coming too Jai?”
“No no, I see too many time”

As I walked in all eyes locked on me, I felt like a fucking leper, there must’ve been only fifteen or so people in the audience which consisted of older Thai business men, I suppose they weren’t used to a drunk nineteen year old English lad walking into their perverted watering hole.
The show had already started so I stumbled to a seat and sat down a couple of rows back from the stage, a waitress came over offered me a whiskey saying “100 Baht”……free drink my fucking arse, but I expected it, so I paid to avoid trouble.
The Ping Pong show ensued, your standard evening of women pulling a variety of objects from their vaginas; Ping Pong balls being bounced accurately into cups, razor blades tied to metres of ribbon, then a good ten metres of ribbon with bells attached, which is then wrapped around surrounding dance poles, still one end inside their vagina which ultimately creates some kind of ’pussy spider web dance’ complete with jingling! The list goes on, from blowing out candles to exploding balloons with darts fired from sheer vaginal power! Impressive stuff!

An hour of this madness and the final act came on, a woman walked on stage and laid in a sex swing, then the midget who greeted me at the door clambered onto the stage whilst frantically beating his cock to the point of erection, slowly cheesy porno music played through the speakers while I watched the couple on stage fuck completely expressionless for what felt like a life time! It got to a point where it got awkward so I slipped out the exit not to be rude….as stupid as that sounds.
I walked outside to see Jai standing by his motorbike smoking a cigarette beaming a smile and saying “you like yes? Very good, I know you like!”
I agreed, but to this day I’m still not entirely sure if it was an enjoyable experience and haven’t been to another Ping Pong show since, but never say never!

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